Michelle <redacted>'s Auto-Biography
My name is Michelle <redacted>. Why I picked that name, I don't know. I had tried a few names out but I never was comfortable with any of them. I searched for a name that was soft sounding, feminine, not too valley girl, but still had a touch of strength and class. Some of the front runners were: Katherine, Rachel, Karmen, Cynthia, and Jennifer. However, I would look at myself in the mirror, pronounce the name and none of them felt comfortable. I would just look in the mirror pronouncing names and feeling stupid. If you think about it, it really is a stupid thing to do; but I guess we all have our moments.
Then one day I was at work and I had received some Email from a girl whose name was Michelle. I pronounced it a few times and it just seemed right, but I would first have to get dressed and try it. That night I went home dressed up and looked in the mirror and I saw Michelle looking back at me. I felt like I had found my identity. I know it's silly, but if I wanted to be a girl I had to make sure I could feel like my name had been with me since birth. For me it was really important that I found the right name.
In my early 20s I began thinking seriously about having the sex re-assignment surgery because I wanted to be a girl. At the time, I don't think I really knew what that meant. I just wanted to be accepted as a girl so badly that I was willing to do whatever it took to have that validation. I began electrolysis, hormones, and also began working on my voice. All the while, I was getting support from my friends, and I was also going out just about every night having a real blast. You can read about some of my escapades in theBelieve it or...Not?! section of my page. So I started down the path towards being a woman full time.
I worked as a Unix System Administrator at the Brick Layers Union in Washington D.C.. I had some vacation saved up so I decided to make good use of it. After about 6 months I found a really nice guy that I was attracted to. I thought that if I was going to be a girl I should at least experience being with a man to see if that felt okay. So after going out for a while with different guys, I found Rick. He was a sophisticated guy that had a pretty good job as a lawyer on Capitol Hill. We hit it off from the beginning and being with him seemed natural when I was Michelle. The problem I had was that most of the time I was my male self because of my job.
So, I was really depressed about this and Rick suggested that I take all of my vacation plus some extra leave without pay. He said that he would help with the rent for a couple of months, and I had some money saved - so it was possible to take about 3 months off. I would go full time as a girl for that period of time. The whole idea excited me and gave me a sense of purpose. We talked about that if it worked out that I would talk to people at my job and let them know that I was in transition if that's the way it was going to be. But this was a test run.
The first week was unbelievable; I got up every morning and got dressed. All my male clothes were put away so I wouldn't be tempted to be lazy about it. Rick, took the first week off as well and we just went around having a wonderful time together. It was like we had just first started going out again. He always treated me like any girl and didn't even acknowledge that I was anything else.
The next week was pretty good too. I went shopping looking for new clothes because I didn't have that much so I needed a larger wardrobe if I was going to go the full duration. So I spent a lot of money and had a real good time. Rick went to work and I would be dressed and ready to go out when he came home.
The third week was when things started to degrade. Not with Rick, but with me. I had already done all the shopping one could do the previous week. I was really getting tired of putting on make up and making sure that everything looked right from every angle. Plus, I was tired of wearing corsets and forms and other things that help shape us all so nicely. Wearing them all day is not too enjoyable, and the wigs were hot and had to be cleaned at least every other night. So I started wearing clothes that were more comfortable and learning to put my makeup on quicker. I bought a pair of sweats and tennis shoes. At the end of the week I was getting dressed up and thinking, god this is mundane. Then I looked up and thought, why am I doing this if I'm not thoroughly enjoying it. I put my brushes down - went into the bedroom to lie down.
I came to a realization that I didn't want to do this every day for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be an average girl that blended in. That just wasn't what I wanted. So what was missing. I had a great guy, a job in a city where the people would have been fairly understanding if I decided to change, and all the support I needed to pursue my dreams. I kept trying to figure out - what's so different. I realized now why psychologists suggest the 1 year real life test. I was just at the end of the 3rd week and I was going through all of this.
Then I started thinking about my gender. Why did I want to change it. The only reason I could see was so that I could have intercourse with a guy and experience it in a different way. As I kept thinking I realized that there was a good chance that I could loose my sex drive completely. It seemed like a lot to give up on the surface, but I thought further.
If I became a girl it would be more difficult for me to have a family. And it was going to limit my life in other ways that I was already familiar with. So I thought, why did I want to change my gender. And it hit me then, that I wanted to be more feminine and accepted as a girl. I thought, what a stupid and trite reason to go through a major operation.
Then I got up off the bed and looked at myself in the mirror and began playing the face stretch game. You know the one. Where you take your fingers and mold your features so that you look more feminine. I thought - with a little surgery I could look more feminine. With breast implants, facial surgery, and if I continued the hormones I would be well on my way. I already passed fairly well but I realized that the sex change nor the hormones were going to make me "beautiful".
I was vain. I was able to admit it to myself. I was a vain person that wanted to be seen. I didn't really care about passing. I almost preferred not to pass because I had more fun and met more people. I realized that I could be a girl when it was convenient. Don't get me wrong. I still desperately wanted to be a girl. But I could never achieve that goal no matter how much money I had. I could never produce my own egg and bear children from it. I would never be complete.
So that night I talked to Rick and told him that I wanted to spend time with him but I didn't want to live together anymore. He was nice about it, he was very happy that I had finally come closer to self-realization. We kept in touch and went out for a couple of more months but it kind of fizzled away.
Anyway, that was a very instrumental time in my life and many years later I feel free that I have taken a walk on the other side and realized that for me it wasn't what was going to make me ultimately happy. I realized also that it didn't matter how well I passed or how good I looked or didn't look. It was all about a positive, out-going, energetic attitude. If you have this you can move mountains.
At some point I decided that I needed to share this realization with others so I joined D.C.E.A in Washington D.C. - I became the editor of the news letter and I also was appointed to the office of social director. I worked real hard to help people feel comfortable with themselves.
I should also tell you during this whole time I was engaged to a girl that was going to law school in another state. I was unfaithful to her because of Rick but I had to find out for sure what I wanted to be. She knew about the crossdressing but like most women - she didn't like it. One of her letters is posted in my Tips section. This was a letter that she sent to the D.C.E.A group after she recovered from the shock.
Washington D.C. was a long time ago. After I decided that I didn't want to be a girl. I thought maybe I wanted to be a rock star. Makes no sense I know but there is a common theme... attention and vanity. Somehow that translates into ego gratification but I try not to let it affect how I feel and treat other people. I started a rock band in D.C. and then brought my music to Dallas when I changed jobs. I started a band in Dallas several years ago and we did quite well for a bunch of kids that had a little talent and no money or connections.
During my three years playing guitar & keyboard, writing & composing music; Michelle became a lower priority in my life. I was working so long and hard that I really didn't have much time for her so I would only go out maybe once or twice a month.
I broke off the engagement with the girl that I was with and very quickly I hooked up with a beautiful lady that now I'm so happy to call my wife. I can truly say that she's the light in my life and she gives me purpose. She is very aware of all the things that I do now. She doesn't like it but she knows in some strange way it makes me feel good so she does the best she can.
I really admire that because I know if I was a girl that I wouldn't want my guy dressing up. I know it may sound hypocritical but I just wouldn't allow it for so many reasons. 1) I would want to be the girl and get the "girl" attention. 2) I would want to be seen out with a man, not a crossdresser. 3) I would feel like I was losing a part of him. I don't know if this is how other women feel but I can't see how they deal with it. For that reason I have so much love and respect for my wife, because she is giving something to me that I could have never given to anyone else. To me that's the ultimate statement of someone's true love.
I also have two children that are also a sparkle in my life. They're a lot of work, and they need so much, I just hope that I'm able to give them everything they need. They are so wonderful and everything is new for them. Watching them discover new things each day is absolutely priceless.
So here I am. Still just trying to figure out life, the universe, and everything...hopefully Douglas Adams is right and the answer is 42. It would at least make life a lot simpler. I'm still trying to help others with whatever is going to make them happy. Whether, its making them look more beautiful, helping them go out for the first time, or just dealing with their own self-realizations; it makes me feel good that I can make a difference.
This web site is a very small step in trying to make a difference. First and foremost, we all have to learn how to have fun as girls. Lets enjoy the fantasies, the humor, dancing, and celebrate our femininity inside all of us. Let's not hide from the world but rather embrace it. We don't need to change the government or the laws, we just need to love everyone and just be nice. If everyone would just be nice we wouldn't have a need for all the noise in our lives. So turn off the static, look in the mirror and practice saying a lot of female names until it feels right. Then go out and celebrate the fact that your a kook like me and you can say that you love being a girl out loud.
If you have anything you would like to comment on or ask me, just send me an Email.